Rainbow Room is out now!
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Rainbow Room is out now! |
A Message from Nick About Rainbow Room
I have said over and over again, that my music is extremely personal. Every song I write is autobiographical. This album is no different. If anything it’s even more intimate. It’s my coming out story. As you listen you’ll hear about my struggles and obstacles. You’ll learn about my attempts to leave this earth at my lowest moments. But you’ll also experience the turning point in my life that allowed me to give life a second chance. I’m so thankful that I did find the strength to stick around because I never would have known what was on the other side of fear if I hadn’t pushed past it and stepped into the rainbow room. Just look where fear can take you when you don’t let that fear break you. A Rainbow awaits you on the other side of fear.
True Colors
The first time I heard Cyndi Lauper sing this song, I felt chills from my head to my toes. It spoke directly to me, telling me that it's ok to feel different. That we must love ourselves first and never be afraid or diminished by what others might think of you or say about you. It’s a very powerful message that this extremely unconfident, self-loathing 17 year old from Queens, NY needed to hear. I can only hope that my version of True Colors helps someone rethink their worth and beauty. It’s my love letter to all of those people (young and old) who have no idea how spectacular and loved they truly are. 
2. Rainbow Room
I may have written this song in 2022, but I’ve been living this song for many years before that.
The reason this song is close to the beginning of this album is because before I got into the heavy stuff about my life, I wanted the listener to know where I am today and how joyous and full of color my life is now. It’s a song of Hope. We can have the life we want and be surrounded by people we love and who love us back. But we have to make the decision to love ourselves, to find our tribe and family of Choice, and to allow ourselves to be loved. Then, and only then can we step into our light. And it’s that light that will always remind us of how much was once denied us, but no more. Now we can have it all.
3. Long Line of Suffering
This is a deceivingly, upbeat and happy song about a pretty heavy subject. A few years ago a dear friend of mine said that he would “rather beg forgiveness then ask permission”. It was in that moment, that it really struck me that I believed the complete opposite was true. Upon further investigation, I realized that I learned this behavior from my mom and my mother’s mom and further down the line. I learned to be a martyr. I learned that suffering was normal. That the only way to be “a good boy” was to do as I was told even if it was to my own detriment.
I would never overstep my boundaries, i would grin and bear the pain, I didn’t expect much of anything. Why? Because I came from a long line of suffering. 
4. Jesus in My Head
I have always been very strong in my faith and my belief in God. Unfortunately, before I even came out, I got into an unexpected friendship with an incredibly wonderful church going man. Everything about him was so honorable, and true. I respected him greatly. What I didn’t realize was that I was falling in love with him, but what was even more surprising was that he was falling in love with me. He was my first. I felt alive for the first time. This is what it felt like to be in love. But I couldn’t express that joy to anyone. It had to remain a deep, dark secret. He was not out and could never be out. Being gay was a sin. I started to see his internal conflict and how much pain he was in. Unfortunately he took his self hatred out on me. It was very hard to reconcile that this incredibly wonderful person who was so good to everyone else could be so cruel to me. I started to believe all of the horrible things he said about me, even though I never initiated the relationship to begin with. He even forced me to go into conversion therapy to “stop being gay”. It eventually led to our break up and to my breakdown. After this terrible experience, I felt scared to go to church or to love God because I was told God no longer loved me.
It took years for me to realize that none of this was true. The true Jesus in my head loved me just as I was, just as I am. I am so grateful to this day, that I am still able to feel my connection to a greater power.
Decades later our paths crossed again. And although he didn’t discuss what his personal life was like after all these years, he apologized for the pain that he may have caused. Although I had forgiven him all those years ago, I experienced an even deeper healing in our reunion. Most importantly, it feels so good to be able to say, “thank you God” and really mean it. 
5. Complicated Mind
After experiencing such a negative first romance, I began a series of dysfunctional relationships that included physical and mental abuse, men with addiction issues, and narcissistic, selfish, egomaniacal behavior. Not a great track record of lovers. I felt like I didn’t deserve a good man. Or maybe I thought I could change them. I’m not sure. This song is about one of those self-absorbed narcissists with a very complicated mind.
6. Haunted By Ghosts
This song is about one particularly painful loss in my life. The loss of a young family member who was taken from us well before his time. Once I finished the piece, It became more clear that it was about the loss of all of the people I loved that I felt protected by. At a certain point in my life, I felt like all of the people that gave me hope and brought me happiness had all disappeared from my life. The only people left were those that were dangerous and menacing. I would’ve given anything to be haunted by the ghosts of those I loved most and lost. I prayed so desperately to feel the presence of a loving force. Even if it wasn’t in an earthly form. 
7. Now That My Mother Knew
This song represents the turning point in my life. I wrote this song about one life changing conversation I had with my mom at 21 years old. At my lowest point, broken by how reckless life had been with me, I knew if I didn’t trust speaking my truth to someone I may not live to see another day. I took a chance on the only person I had the most faith in. The only person who would listen to me with an open heart…. My mother. But at the same time I was heartsick that she might reject me, or even worse be disappointed in the man that I’d become. This is the kind of paralyzing fear I have been talking about. It’s also the perfect example of why pushing past your fear is so important. When I took this chance, not only did I find acceptance in my mother’s response, she told me-that I was perfect as I was. She loved me more now because she knew me even better than before. And If my mother could love me after hearing this news, maybe I wasn’t as loathsome and ungodly as I thought. There must’ve been something redeeming in me. From that point on I began to find the goodness in me and I learned to love myself. 
8. Rainbow Connection
Such a beautiful song written by Paul Williams and sung by many artists. Most notably Kermit the Frog. I always loved this song and knew it would fit perfectly in this collection of songs. Lee Weissman’s unbelievable jazz arrangement gives it new life. I think I understand why there are so many songs about rainbows. 
9. Van Kleeck Blue
I’ve come to realize when I learned to love myself I could actually find a good man. I could experience a balanced, adult, healthy loving relationship that actually feeds my soul! And on an online dating site no less! A blue-eyed man who loves animals and music and whose middle name just happens to be Van Kleeck. And if I had the chance to do it all again I’d still choose Van Kleeck! 
10. Marry That Guy
When you find that great romance you never thought you would... hold onto him real tight and put a ring on it! I had no choice but to marry that guy!!
My mom was right... she told me I’d find him!! I'm so happy she and my Dad had the chance to meet Bob-and fall in love with him as deeply as I did. They called him their second son. Bob is certainly my rainbow after the storms! 
11. Angels, Music and the Moon
I wrote this song about the things that kept me from “leaving way too soon”. My mom and Dad, my Grandma Rosie, all my beautiful animals that have crossed the rainbow bridge, music and the moon. I’m surrounded by angels.
I know the world isn’t all rainbows but I kept my faith that kindness and grace can conquer the wicked and the cruel. 
12. Over The Rainbow
This incredibly famous classic sung by Judy Garland and featured in the iconic film The Wizard Of Oz, was a song that I’ve loved since I came into this world. It was also the first song I performed for my mom and dad at 4 years old singing into a big kitchen ladle. When I finished my grand performance in the living room of our little Maspeth Queens, NY apartment, my mom and dad were crying. I was confused as to why. Were they in pain? did I do something bad? But I remembered them hugging me tight and telling me how I moved them to tears because it was so beautiful. I may have only been 4 but I remember it so clearly. It was the thing that championed me to continue to express myself in this way. But as I got older, I stood clear of this song feeling like I could never do it justice. I was undeserving of such a masterpiece. But again I pushed past my fear and with the help and encouragement of my songwriting partner and musical brother, Matt Nichols, I gave in and recorded it for this album. I realized how important it was to my story and how proud my mom and dad would be to hear this record. So this one’s for you Mom and Dad. I hope you’re hearing this somewhere over the rainbow. And I hope you approve. Love you and miss you both everyday. 
13. Damage
There were plenty of good things about my childhood... My dog Mark who I had for the first 15 years of my life. My mom and dad who loved me unconditionally. My best friend Joey Cotoia who used to spend hours drawing with me and fantasizing about being rock stars when we grew up. There were also some pretty awful experiences and abusers that I unfortunately wasn’t protected from. I was afraid to talk about it or speak up so it just burned inside of me and until this day it haunts me in my dreams. Sometimes I still feel like that hurt child and I fall into crippling bouts of depression. And on those bad days, if I see my reflection in the mirror I don’t see myself as an adult. I see that chubby little broken and scared and damaged little 7 year old boy. If only I had someone to talk to back then to help me through those terrible times . Maybe the damage wouldn’t have been so bad. So I wrote this song as if I’m singing to that little boy in the mirror. You deserved to have that time meant for dreams. When you believed in the impossible. When you were innocent and free. When you allow a child to be a child it really makes all of the difference. 
14. Extraordinary
On January 23, 2024 the world lost an amazing artist and I lost a dear friend, folk music legend Melanie Safka. Known to the world simply as Melanie. This was the very last song I recorded for this album. I couldn’t release this album without paying tribute to Melanie.
We loved to cook big Italian meals together (especially eggplant parmigiana). We would sing together in the living room while all my dogs and cats gathered around as a perfectly attentive audience. But more than that, Melanie was a musical inspiration to me. She and her son Beau Jarred traveled the world with just two guitars. They shared her songs of peace and love and fairness and kindness and equality among all humans to a world that really needed to hear those messages. I chose to sing this Melanie song because selfishly it’s one of my favorites. But more so because it captures the brilliance of her songwriting and because it says something I truly believe…
that she was and always will be extraordinary, magnificent and rare.
And in the words of Melanie’s remarkably talented son Beau Jarred who will continue to keep his mommas music alive, “Always together in the music”. Rest in peace my dear Melanie, until we meet again where it’s all beautiful and light.